March 28, 2004: Friends
A friend of mine passed away yesterday. He was 27, and had been fighting a tough battle against cancer for more than a year. I met him when we were juniors at Columbia. He was quiet, but he still stood out: very bright, razor-sharp wit, and very kind. We were both fraternal twins, and we sometimes talked about that. After Columbia, we saw less of each other, but I always enjoyed getting an email from him, or bumping into him in the East Village or in Cobble Hill. I got to see more of him this past year. He faced his situation with a great deal of courage, and despite being ill, he still managed to travel to Europe, write a play, and keep up with his friends.
I last emailed with him at the beginning of December. He was upbeat, talking about some classes he was going to take in the spring: "i am glad to hear you are enjoying school. I am feeling much better, thanks for asking..." I wrote back saying how funny life is, about the curves it throws you. When I was 21 I was pretty sick for about four months- nothing like what he had. I suppose that experience made me feel closer to what he was going through. I wrote: "anyway, i think what matters is just going on with things, trying to do what you believe in- everything else comes or it doesn't- but we can't do much about that."
I heard that a couple of months ago, many of his close friends went up to Bronxville to see him at his parents' house. They spent the afternoon there talking to him, and after a few hours, they brought him into the living room, and performed the play he had written. Thinking about it, you get a sense for the kind of person he was- the kind of friend he was- and how loved he was by the people who knew him.
I wasn't one of his close friends, but I miss him, and I feel very sad about his death.
[Related: A couple of months ago, Tom dedicated his Thug4Life project to our friend. Amol wrote a number of posts about our friend at Drownout, and also hosted our friend's European travel blog. He also wrote a very moving tribute to our friend today. Danny has also written about our friend. I was thinking about our friend last month, when I shot a series of pictures up at Columbia. Our friend also had a page on Friendster, with many testimonials.]
Comments
Hi Jake--I am sorry to hear about your friend. Remember when we chatted briefly last week? I mentioned my cat wasn't doing well; I ended up having to put her to sleep last Sunday. Sigh...
loss is terrible- and such an inevitable fact about getting older. the only solace is that getting older brings so many nice things- marriage, kids, a career, the comfort of hobbies and long friendships. the thing that seems particularly unfair is that my friend will not get to experience all of those things.
i feel uncomfortable about this post, and this comment- it seems base and crass to pretend i have any insight into death- particularly death at 27 years old.
James was a great guy, and I feel all of the stuff everyone does: Why does someone so young have to die, how awful his family must feel and that my thoughts are with them. His death is tragic and it's terrible that something like that (and his illness for the past year) makes me think about how, in spite of all the things I complain about, I'm very lucky. His death shouldn't become about ourselves, but ultimately, it does become that - how can we be better people, people who will treasure life and each other.
jen is right- it's hard to escape personalizing things. when i first found that picture with james, annie, and amol, i was struck by such a strong sense of my own loss. james is gone, annie has long since moved to san francisco, and amol and i haven't spoken in more than 4 years. but just as quickly i was struck by such a sense of revulsion- to be thinking about myself again, at a time like this. but it's impossible not to.
i'd like to honor james by being better- but i'm not sure how.
i'm sorry for your loss jake. i think the best thing you can do for your friend james is to live your life to it's absolute fullest, and follow the example you illustrated to him: '...what matters is just going on with things, trying to do what you believe in- everything else comes or it doesn't...'
focus on the good memories and don't forget the spirit that james possessed. that's what i try to do when i think of my friend that passed away. anyway, i'm sure you already know all this but i just wanted to express my condolences to you.
My condolences, Jake. Take good care of yourself, your family, and your friends, as that's the only thing that truly counts.
Jake - I came here looking for the items that James had posted to his blog when he was in Brussels. Maybe Amol has them - i wanted to print them out for Megan and Mr. Kearney, they are working on his eulogy today and wanted to do as much of it in his words as possible... and then i stumbled on these picture which i hadn't seen before.
they are beautiful - thank you for posting.
-claudia
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